Holiday Peace

Ever play with one of those Chinese finger traps?  You stick your fingers in and they are stuck.  The harder you pull, the more stuck you are.  This is how I am feeling during this holiday season, and I know I’m not alone.  There seems to be a huge sense of expectation built up this time of year, to make this the “best one ever,” like life is some kind of Hallmark movie.  Worse yet, there is almost a sense of societal obligation to be cheery.  After all, who wants to be accused of being a scrooge? 

For a variety of reasons, there are several people who won’t be coming to Christmas in my family this year.  Some are no longer with us, some are in a life struggle that is taking precedence over family and holidays, and some have changed their religious views to no longer include Christmas, or the family get-togethers that have accompanied it.  For me, this time of year has always been about family, and the sights and sounds of Christmas this year have a hollow feel to them.  As a matter of fact, I have mostly avoided any shopping that is not absolutely necessary, in order to avoid the dreaded Christmas music, which makes me cranky or depressed, depending on the tune.

I’m not saying any of this for sympathy, or attention; my problems are miniscule compared to some people's.  I’m saying it because it’s my truth, and it’s been weighing on my mind.  So much is beyond our control, not only during this time of the year, but all throughout the year; yet there’s this undeniable pressure to “make” it a great holiday.  Sometimes you just can’t.  It is what it is.  Call me Scrooge, but I feel resentment at that expectation, because it minimizes people’s reality.  There are many times in life that we are walking with privilege and are unaware.  One form of privilege is getting to be with your family and being happy.  Right now, I have several friends going through divorce, several friends grieving a death, a friend dealing with major legal issues with her son, and another friend whose little grandson is at the brink of death from cancer.  Why do we have this pressure to “fake it” when things are not well, just because it’s the holiday season?

A couple of weeks ago, a man I know killed himself.  I don’t know why, and it seemed to come as a surprise to everyone who knew him.  I don’t know what pressures he faced, or what kept him from talking to someone and asking for help, but I don’t think our society is very good at encouraging that.  That expectation to “be tough” isn’t always very helpful.  I’m not blaming society for his death, just wondering what role this might have played.

The only way to get out of a Chinese finger trap is to relax, and push both ends of the trap toward the center.  Reduce pressure, find a place of balance, whether that’s in the center or wherever, because it’s different for everyone.  Stop pulling against the pressure.  And recognize that in the long run, we can attach meaning to a day but it’s still just a day.  We can find new ways to honor our lives, every day.

My friend Deb always ascribed to the Platinum Rule, which is to treat others as they wish to be treated.  I won’t assume that everyone celebrates Christmas and has a Hallmark life (or wants either).  I just think we are all here doing the best we can, in each moment, and that seems more than enough to expect.

Peace is a loaded term.  And for me, I am seeking peace this holiday season by providing joy and comfort where I can, to myself and others.  Staying out of the ways of others when I am feeling grumpy, because it’s not my intention to be a wet blanket.  Looking for the positive in people and situations.  And perhaps most importantly, not feeling guilt if I don’t choose to partake in the Santa hat-wearing, jingle-belling, fake cheer I’m “supposed” to feel.  It's a great opportunity to boil the season down to what is really, truly important.  I’m a little busy this year missing some people, and I’m going to concentrate on loving the people I can. 

If you are reading this, my wish for you is peace of mind and heart, comfort, and love.  If you are sad or struggling, know that you are not alone.  And it’s okay to be sad, because sometimes life is sad, it just is.  There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t feel “cheery,” or if you do.  Regardless of who or where you are, I wish you peace.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It’s that time again… sigh.  It’s not even Halloween and it’s already starting.  I’m not talking about the early Christmas displays in the stores, or the TV commercials urging us to buy, buy, buy… I’m talking about the silly, pointless, ongoing dispute about what words we are supposed to use to wish someone well during the holiday season.  The ongoing battle between “Happy Holidays” and “Merry Christmas.” 

I feel silly even writing about it (again), but I’m taking a stand on how I feel about this issue, because I know by Christmas, Facebook and everywhere will be deluged with people very upset about which words people choose to be nice to one another.

Here's the way I look at it.  I have dear friends, who are wonderful people, who don't celebrate Christmas.  They may be Jehovah's Witness, or Jewish, or another belief system that doesn't observe this particular holiday, but have their own holiday traditions.  Or they may be Atheists.  Either way, wishing them a Merry Christmas would be like wishing you a happy birthday when it isn’t your birthday; it doesn't make sense.  It also assumes that everyone is a Christian, when everyone isn't.

Here's how I handle it: since most of my friends celebrate Christmas, I wish them Merry Christmas.  If they don't, I say Happy Holidays.  If I'm not sure if someone celebrates it or not, I wish them Happy Holidays out of respect for whatever their spiritual belief is.  To me it's less about political correctness than common sense and respect. 

I also have friends who are really hurting this year; maybe they just lost a precious loved one or for some other reason are going through a horrible holiday season.  They may not want to hear a cheery, "Merry Christmas!"  It may be one more reminder that this particular Christmas is really going to suck.  I don't have a big investment in saying it to everyone.  My goal is to wish others well, not prove a point.

Back in 1941, when Irving Berlin wrote the song, “Happy Holidays,” where were these outraged people?  Nobody was accusing him of anything.  People just enjoyed the happiness and cheer behind the song.  Nowadays everything is a big fight.  If someone wants to be outraged about something on Christmas, it just seems we have better things to be outraged about like, oh I don’t know, kids who go hungry on Christmas, or the fact that our troops are spending Christmas away from their families to kill other people and their children, or those who are abandoned by their loved ones and are lonely and sad on Christmas, or elderly people with no heat.

Christianity has gotten a bad rap over the years because people have forgotten what being a Christian was actually supposed to mean. I’m not even going to get into the fact that Christmas has its roots in Paganism, or the widely held and scientifically supported belief that Christ would have been born in the autumn, not in December, because most educated people know that.  I’m just talking about “Christian values.”  I had always believed that the spirit of Christ embodied tolerance, trust, caring for the sick and elderly, gentleness, and meekness.  It would not be in the spirit of Christ to demand that people use a certain phrase to avoid being considered “less than.”  Christ was a guy who hung out with thieves and prostitutes, and talked about forgiveness and not judging.  What would he think of this silly pettiness?  I personally believe that he would be mortified at this twisting of his values, and in his name, and ashamed to see people judging others based solely on semantics.  Christmas is supposed to be about love, not picking fights.

As for my friends who celebrate other religious traditions, or none at all, I am defensive of them.  This attitude insinuates that they are not as righteous and good as the people who say Merry Christmas.  Not a very “Christiany” attitude, if you ask me.  I am secure enough in my spiritual beliefs that I don’t feel a need to put others down for theirs, and don’t expect the rest of the world to conform to mine. 

And I personally don't care if someone wishes me a Merry Christmas, a Happy Holiday, or Holiday Season, a Joyous Yuletide, an Advantageous Advent, Seasons Greetings, or simply a beautiful day.  If someone takes the time to give me a kind word, I’m just grateful for the love and sentiment behind it.  I don’t assume they are a godless heathen.  Who really cares as long as we are kind to one another?

So regardless of your faith belief, what God you worship, or don’t, where you live, or what words you choose, I wish all who read this joy, peace, and love.

The Fight Before Christmas

A little poem I wrote that hopefully brings you a smile:

‘Twas the fight before Christmas, and all through the land,

People were shouting and taking a stand.

“Happy Holidays!” “No, Merry Christmas!” they shouted,

As claims of “un-Christian” behavior were spouted.

“You’re taking the Christ out of Christmas!” they roared,

As the actual meanings of words were ignored.

For “holiday” means “holy day” to the Dutch,

And I honestly don’t mind being wished THAT too much.

As for Christ-mass, its roots are of Pagan proclaim,

And Christ never once lit a tree in his name…

So it seems like a whole lot of fuss and ado

‘Bout a “war against Christmas” that hasn’t come true,

But by keeping us all in a climate of fear,

We ensure peace and brotherhood never come near.

And we miss opportunities here with this drama,

To learn more about what we all have in common.

For each major religion has love as it creed,

What they all have in common is God as their seed.

Just IMAGINE what peace and good will we’d create,

If we’d just accept love, and stop acting in hate.

So go Kwanzaa, go Christmas, go Hanukkah too,

Enjoy your traditions, Happy Holidays to you!