But for the Grace of God

The first time my mom attempted suicide, I was eight years old and my dad was at work.  My older brother and sister and I were home with her, when she announced that she had just taken “a whole bunch of pills.”  I remember the ambulance being called and my teenage brother getting her to drink mustard water to try to get her to vomit.  She was driven away in an ambulance to have her stomach pumped.  I've written about my mom before in a prior post a few years back, but something happened recently that has her fresh on my mind.

Honoring Jaime

Today is my birthday.  It’s supposed to be “my day,” but I’d like to share it with someone special.

I recently learned that I had a birthday twin.  Her name was Jaime Guttenberg.  If that name sounds familiar, it’s because she was in the news a few years ago.

Whittling Souls

A work in progress, just like me.

When we want someone to hear something really important, we ask for silence.  It’s the time to look away from the phone, shut off the TV, remove the headphones, stop talking, and LISTEN.  It’s time to focus.  I feel very strongly that 2020 is calling upon each of us to do that right now.

To my conservative friends

I want to put out an appeal to my friends who are conservative. I know there are some among you who have felt worried about the state of things, who have heard conflicting things about Trump and don't know what to believe.

Close the Camps

A couple of days ago I packed up my sister and my kiddos and attended a rally in support of closing the camps on the southern border of the United States.  In recent weeks, several reports have come out describing the horrific conditions under which immigrants are living (and dying) and each report seems worse than the last.  Like many people, I have been left with a sense of helplessness and sickened with horror. 

Christ, the Refugee

So here we are at Easter.  My mind is stuck on a conversation I had yesterday with a friend who is undocumented.  Tears spilled down her cheeks as she talked about losing everyone to come here with her husband and children.  Obviously someone doesn't do that unless the situation is dire.  Now her husband's father is on his death bed in Mexico, and they can't do what most of us take for granted: go home and say goodbye.

Five Years

February 15, 2018.  Five years.  FIVE YEARS.  It’s been five years today since the first arrest and I gained two small children.

I was by no means prepared mentally, emotionally, or physically.  I was anemic and sick, and devastated by the nightmare we were facing as a family.  I was terrified by the possibilities, and five years later, I still am.

DREAMing of Peace

I'm about to Facebook delete some people I genuinely like if I hear any more deliberately ignorant anti-immigrant sentiment.  (I know that nobody is losing sleep or gnashing their teeth over this, but I hate deleting people because I hate to give up on them.)  There is plenty of accurate info out there for anyone who isn't intellectually lazy.  It takes less than five minutes to find information about the myths surrounding immigration but some people just can't be troubled with those pesky facts.  And deliberate ignorance is my biggest pet peeve.  So if you are bothered by people who look and speak different from you, please read the following.  If you still don’t understand that immigrants are humans, and just as important as you are, it will be my pleasure to not have to see the hateful drivel you post any longer.

For Cooper

Today, I got bad news.  After a series of other setbacks, my car has given up the ghost and needs a new engine.  Since my job was ended due to funding back in October, I didn’t need this.  In addition, my tax refund this year was spent catching up on bills and making repairs to my house that were critical.  It was draining to get this latest news, and I have been in full pity party mode all day.

Making America Great "Again"

Lately, I have seen a lot of talk about liberals and how we are ruining America, etc.  That’s probably a whole other post, what being a liberal means to me, but for right now, let’s talk about making America great.

White House Response

Recently, I wrote a letter to President Obama apologizing for the embarrassing way he was treated when he visited families of the Umpqua Community College shooting here in Oregon.  Today I received this thoughtful response, and I thought I would share it.

Dear Mr. President

This is a letter I am sending to President Barack Obama.

Dear Mr. President,

I know I speak for not only myself, but for many other Oregonians, when I offer a deep, heartfelt apology for the way you were treated when you visited our state.  As as native-born Oregonian, I'm embarrassed and ashamed by one of the most unpatriotic things I have ever witnessed.

Finding Faith

This is one of those posts I started and never finished.  It went into a pile of "do laters," along with the ones about Robin Williams, celebrity sexual assault scandals, and police-involved shootings, to name a few.  I started writing about a year ago, about the start of the new year, and my hopes and resolutions.  Then life intruded, and it was put aside.  Little did I know that inspiration to finish would come from Jim Carrey, the goofy rubber-faced comedian known for his bathroom humor.

Carrey was addressing graduates in a commencement address for Maharishi University, and showed an insightful, serious side, sprinkled with humor.  He was profound.   Here's a link for anyone interested in watching the whole thing:  Jim Carrey commencement address

It is well worth your time.

The part that meant the most to me, which has reshaped my thinking, was on faith:  "Oh, and why not take a chance on faith as well? Take a chance on faith — not religion, but faith. Not hope, but faith. I don’t believe in hope. Hope is a beggar. Hope walks through the fire. Faith leaps over it."

What's been missing for me is faith.  Hope has been in short supply as well, but faith has been all but nonexistent for some time.  Maybe I had viewed faith as something that requires a certain set of religious beliefs, and there's a rebellious part of me that defies being told what to believe, or even to believe in anything at all.  In resisting drama, I have resisted faith, for faith's sake, and forsaken myself.

There have been situations in my life that have tried my soul, and denied me peace.  I'm not saying I'm unique; we all have problems.  I seem to be bombarded with the lesson of letting go.  Yet how can you let go without faith?  I'm not talking about the faith that drives people to church on Sunday though I have no problem with that.  I guess it's a faith in life, in the universe, in the big scheme of things... the faith that what is meant to happen will happen, and it will all work out.  There has been no deity handing faith my way, although I'm not an Atheist.  There's just been an emptiness, plodding along daily in an uninspired manner, waiting for something to feel better.  Some people call it depression.  I'm not sure I'd go that far; it's more of a shutting down of spirit, like hunkering down.  Either way, it's dismal.

I knew something was holding me back in my soul, but I blamed it on circumstance.  I listened to Jim Carrey's words and then listened again.  I realized that when I let go of the requirement to deify my faith, a funny thing happened: it began to return.  I realized my faith belongs to me, and I get to define it.

I want a deeper faith than to pray to someone that I get what I want.  I'm trying to be more in tune with the infinite, and the cycles of life, knowing that everything comes around eventually.  Maybe not in my way, or on my schedule, but that's okay.  I don't need to be in control, because something great and infinite is already managing that balancing act.  I have about as much control as a wave on the ocean, which will crash into the shore, then drift back to sea.  A wave doesn't have to worry about cycles, it just is.  A wave also doesn't experience critical thought, which can be a blessing and a curse.

Under the steady fluidity of a wave, obstacles eventually wear away.  If I adopt this philosophy I develop faith, even when things feel hopeless.  It also gives me permission to accept the choices of others, because they're riding their own wave, and it's pointless to control that either.  I have worn myself out when I've tried.

Faith is about more than letting go of control; it's an acknowledgement that I was never in control in the first place, and don't need to be.  There's no point in worrying about outcomes, because I can't do anything more than my best. 

So my goals for 2015 are to let go of the negative, take care of myself, and have faith.  If I can let go of worrying about others' choices, I can grow my compassion, because I'm not personalizing those choices.  So I will move through this year with renewed faith, hope, and compassion.  A tall order, but if Jim Carrey can pull it off, I have faith that I can.  There's a defiance in faith that I can respect.

My wish for everyone this coming year is to find your faith and peace in your heart.